Plans

So, we're making plans -

funeral plans.

It's something you have to do.

Mom and Dad picked the music they want.

I'll help Dad with the readings.

Dad was stuck on the eulogy.

Didn't say much about it.

I asked,

"Dad, if you could have anyone, anyone at all

do the eulogy, who would you choose?"

"You."

*blink blink*

"Ok, who would be your second choice?"

Didn't see that one coming.

I really didn't.

I have no doubt I can get up there

and DO it.

Give me an audience and I'm a happy girl.

It's the message I'm worried about.

How do I make sure I

Say the right things.

Speak about the right people.

Touch on all I need to touch upon.

This is what I think about while driving to work.

This is what I think about while I'm not falling asleep.

This is what I think about.....a lot.

My friend Gina said....write.

Write a lot. Over write, then you

can cut, edit, whatever, just write.

I can do this.

Things Falling Into Place

Ok.

We have round the clock care set up.

Lidia is lovely, quiet, never leaves my mother's side.

Noni, is like a bull in a china shop.

"I do! I do!"

Good, we want her to do.

She also gives good hugs :-).

AND my father likes her a lot.

Great!

Hospice came in, meds under control.

I feel like I can relax now.

I've been sleeping A LOT, catching up.

I think I will only get out of my pjs

long enough to visit with my parents

and go to the gym, then shower and back to bed.

A good day.

I Work At The Greatest Place On Earth (no, not the circus)

My way of holding it together is

to take charge and organize.

Let me call the doctors.

Let me make the appointments.

Let me schedule visits, cooking, care.

As long as I have "work" to do, I'm okay.

I'm too busy to "feel" anything for myself.

No crying.

Too busy.

Well, that was until I received

a voice mail message from my boss, Alex.

I took 3 unexpected days off from work this week.

Alex was on vacation and I was very worried

about leaving the office empty.

Alex called to tell me not to worry.

She told me about all the people who came

by our office asking for me.

She said to not even think about work.

She brought dinner to my parents' house

TWICE.

The chef at school sent home dinner for us

both nights too.

A family at school owns my favorite Greek

restaurant - and I'm not just saying that, it

really is my favorite, and my mother has been there

many times.

They sent home LEMON POTATOES, a perfect

comfort food. I told my mother who is mostly

unresponsive and her face actually lit up!

My friend Karen, a parent, has been emailing.

My friend Kim also a parent, sent home a Prayer Scapular.

My friend Colleen in the business office has been texting

me to see how I am.

They got to me.

I cried.

So.....

Yeah, so mom's health has really taken a turn

in the last two days.

Things are not going all that well, but

I guess it depends on how you look at it.

Well: no pain

Not So Well: agitation

Well: sleeping

Not So Well: a lot of sleeping

Well: eating

Not So Well: very little communication

We found a wonderful home health aide

through Bridget's Irish Nurses.

Lidia is Russian.

She is thoughtful, caring, attentive.

She is at my mother's side the entire time,

unless she's making lunch or folding laundry.

She gives good advice and comforting hugs.

We are so fortunate to find such a wonderful caregiver.

We called for an additional Irish/Russian nurse as

we need round the clock care now.

(I'm writing this at 2:15 am - I'm on overnight duty)

We had a visit from our doctor today.

Yeah, the head of Mt. Sinai's Neuro Oncology dept. makes house calls.

He's also about 2 years younger than Doogie Howser.

He told us what we really already knew, but when

Doogie tells you, it's okay.

Oh, that and the fact that the mouse trap in the

kitchen snapped while he was telling us lightened the mood.

On a -SO NOT MORBID- note:

Mom received Last Rites today.

seriously, SO NOT MORBID.

It was actually beautiful and I was so

glad I was able to take part in it.

The priest came when family and friends

were here, we all joined hands and prayed together.

So, that's where we are right now.

Yeah, it sucks, but that's life....and death

and we motor through.

Valium

Yup.

Newest Favorite Thing

I was going to post yet another cancer rant

but instead I am telling you about

MY NEWEST FAVORITE THING

Started reading this on Friday.

I cannot wait to finish it tonight.

It's so good, I don't want it to end.

I keep coming up with excuses not to

sit down and finish it.

It's really good!!!

*Update: 10:11 pm

Just finished it.

Great book.

My Therapy

Thank God for the gym.

Yeah, six months ago, I never would

have said anything like that.

Six months ago I was a professional sitter.

I could sit on the couch like nobody's business.

If there was a sitting event in the Olympics I would medal.

Lovin' the gym, people!!

If you've been reading my blog, you know that

not too long ago Paul my trainer not my husband

broke up with me, and all he left me with was a

rotten case of golfer's elbow (which happens when

your trainer who is leaving the gym and doesn't seem to

care, throws a medicine ball to you waaay to hard and

you catch it and think 'OW, WTF?')

Well, I have a new trainer; Jeff.

Just Jeff.

I was a little apprehensive to work with someone new.

But......

Jeff

Is

Terrific!!!

He's older than I am.

He understands that I want to get into shape, not go through basic training.

He does NOT text all during our sessions.

He's funny.

I like Jeff.

I think about him all the time because

MY BODY ACHES FOR DAYS AFTER A TRAINING SESSION!!

I'm no longer a sitter.

I have more energy than I ever had in my life.

I feel great.

I can go, go, go.

All that stuff that people say about exercise....

IT'S TRUE!!!

I don't know how I'd get through my mother's illness

if I didn't have the gym, both for the energy aspect

and the 'focus on something else' aspect.

The gym is my therapy.

Have to run, I have a therapy session at 8am!!!

Update

Dad is coming around.

Welcome to the Crazy House

Ok, so my mother is dying.

Ok, we know that.

We all know that.

This past week she has deteriorated quite a bit.

Her doctor ordered a hospital bed for the house

so she wouldn't have to be taken upstairs.

Great.

The bed comes.

It's much smaller than I expected, not "hospitally" looking.

We put quilts and fluffy pillows on it to make it look like home.

DAD DOESN'T WANT HER TO USE IT.

My 71 year old father would rather carry her upstairs

to their bed.

We're all worried he's going to have a heart attack or

fall down the stairs.

My mother decided that she wanted to sleep in the hospital bed.

Great!

I purchased a baby monitor so my father could hear her if she called.

As we're putting her in the bed my father says:

"Wouldn't you rather go upstairs to your own big bed?"

STOP!!!

THIS IS BETTER!!!

-no I didn't say that.

I also spent hours on the phone with the

social worker and medicare

to find out about home health care.

I get all the info, relay it to my father and he says.

"We don't want that."

REALLY??? - WE NEED THAT!!!

-no I didn't say that either.

Ok.

I know he is grieving.

I know he is trying to deal with this horrible

situation as best he can, or actually, any way he can.

I know they have very little control over what is

happening and these are two things they can control.

I have to keep telling myself that.

I have to be supportive.

Ugh.

It's like a crazy house.

A crazy house full of love, but crazy nonetheless.

Before and After

Before:

After!

One For The Books

So, Dylan's band, One For The Books, performed in the school talent show.

They were GREAT!!!

Seriously, GREAT!!!

Check this out.

Dyan is the one in red.

My Day.

I claimed today for me.

I slept late.

I laid around in my pajamas.

I ate.

I surfed the net in my pajamas.

I ate.

I watched TV in my pajamas.

I ate.

I went for a run - not in my pajamas.

I showered.

I put on new pajamas.

I watched TV in my new pajamas.

I cooked sausage and peppers in my new pajamas.

I'm watching the last Harry Potter movie in my new pajamas.

All me, all day.