True Story

Driving in NYC today.
Saw a business van with the
company name painted on it:

Phil McCrackin - Mason

-Read it again, slowly.

And Two Become One

So around 3 AM this morning,
I'm asleep but aware that
my arm feels itchy.
So I scratch it.
...and scratch it
...and scratch it
but the itch isn't going away.
I keep scratching.
All of a sudden Paul says,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"
"Wha?.....(yawn), um, I'm scratching my arm."
"NO YOU'RE NOT -
YOU'RE SCRATCHING MY FOREHEAD!!".

Okay, I'll take that....

I've had a rough time of it these past two days.
Moving on......
I did get a project picked up by one
of my favorite magazines:



They want to publish something I sent them
in their June/July issue.
Can't wait.
Love that mag!

Funny Kid

I think Dylan is having a growth spurt.
Since coming home from school he's had:
1 yogurt
a salad
many stalks of celery
2 big glasses of water
a glass of milk
a bagel with cream cheese
a big bowl of pasta with meat sauce.
I said:
"I expect you to be 6 ft tall tomorrow.
He said:
"I expect I'll be 6 ft wide."

I have a funny kid.

Got 'Em!

I had a great day at work yesterday.
To celebrate, I decided to go to
Lord and Taylor and attempt to
find the sold out, can't find them
anywhere, you must be crazy even asking
for them, Ugg Scuffettes.
I know.
$65 for slippers!
But I just got my first pair of Ugg boots
and I LOVE THEM!!!!
So.....
I go to the store, pic up the sample
slipper and walk towards two sales people.
I say, "What are the chances?"
They start laughing.
Not a good sign.
Apparently they've been sold out since before
Christmas, just like everyone else, but they'll
check to see if they have anything.
I said I needed a 7 or 8.
They said they'd bring out whatever they had
in that style.
They brought me 2 boxes.
One white pair, size 7 and
ONE CHESTNUT PAIR, SIZE 8!!!!!
EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I pulled out my $50 gift
card - thank you to the 2nd grader who
gave it to me for Christmas - and paid
the difference and went on my merry way.
I
LOVE
THESE
SLIPPERS!!!
I'm so happy!
YEAH ME!!!!!

Pre-K or Hell's Angels. You decide.

They needed me to sub for a pre-k class
today, only for 2 hours.
They were adorable.
We washed our hands.
We had snack.
We cleaned up.
We had circle time.
We read a Corduroy book.
We talked about our favorite stuffed animals.
We did a project.
We drew pictures of our families.
We colored.
Sweet bluebirds of happiness flitted
around our heads. There were rainbows
all around. A perfect morning.
Then we had free time....
and the shit hit the fan.
My sweet little babes disappeared
and little hoodlums appeared.
These little 4 and 5 year olds turned
everything into guns. And I guess they
had to because there were a few very dangerous
tigers, tigers who chased you down and tackled
you. I mean REALLY tackled you. The only thing you
could do to survive was to take the nearest block,
load it, and fire.
I was truly amazed.
I asked them if they were allowed to play guns
and one little girl who was playing hairdresser -
with my hair - said yes. My hair was one jumbo knot.
I do have to say, they were having a great time.
The only crying was when someone threw a cardboard
block at someone's nose "on accident".
Then there was the spitting episode, but I won't
go into that.

How To Make a Scene or, "Here's a Nickel, You Can Just Give Me A 10."

Step 1 - Order Chinese food, say you'll pick it up.

Step 2 - Drive 10 minutes to pick food up. Fail to find
a parking space. Drive around. Find a space. Make a U-turn.
Pull into space.

Step 3 - Get to restaurant before food is ready. Sit and wait.

Step 4 - Pay and leave

Step 5 - As you walk in the house, spouse tells you the
restaurant called. THEY GAVE YOU THE WRONG DISH.
THEY WANT YOU TO BRING IT BACK.

Step 6 - Call restaurant . Tell them that their delivery person can
deliver the correct dish and pick up incorrect dish.
They tell you the delivery person is out, you can
wait or pick it up. They then proceed
to have another conversation with
someone else while you are trying
to tell them what you're going to do.
They come back on the line and
you say, I'll come pick it up.

Step 7 - Drive back to restaurant. No parking space.
Drive around. Find a space.
Make another u-turn, park, march in.

Step 8 - Hand them the wrong dish, they give you the new dish.
PLACE RECEIPT ON COUNTER WITH A NICKLE AND SAY
I'D LIKE MY MONEY FOR THIS DISH BACK.
IT WAS 9.95. HERE IS A NICKLE, YOU CAN JUST GIVE ME $10.

Step 9 - Stun cashier, who says she can't do that.
You tell her yes, she can.
She goes to get manager.

Step 10 - Manager comes and says she can't do that.
You say, Sure you can. Here's a nickel, you can just give me a 10.
Manager asks if you want the dish.
You say, yes, but I'd like my money back for all the
inconvenience you've caused me.
Manager says you can't have the dish and your money back.
You say, yes I can.
YOU made the mistake.
I had to drive back to correct YOUR mistake.
YOU are ruining my dinner plans with my family.
You can give me my money back.
Here is a nickel, you can just give me a 10.

Step 11 - You notice that the entire restaurant is now quiet.
You don't care. You're annoyed.

Step 12 - Manager crosses her arms, leans back and
starts speaking Chinese to cashier.
You can only imagine what she's saying about you.
You don't care.
Manager says she can give you 10% off your next visit.
You say you're never coming here again and that you want your money back.
Manager says she can't give you your money back.
You say, yes you can, here's a nickel, you can just give me a 10.
She says she can give you $5.
You say fine.

Step 13 - You take the $5, your nickel, your correct dish and leave.

THAT is how to create a scene.

*Now, I normally don't operate like that.
Normally I would go get the dish and
simply never order from there again,
but something came over me.
I did not yell, I did do some finger pointing.
I was annoyed.
I wanted to be compensated for the inconvenience.
Restaurants will take an item off a bill when there is a
problem, right?
I"m not proud of my behavior.
I don't know what was up with me.
I was very aggressive.
I think I was possessed.
Have you ever done something crazy like that?

Love my job.

The younger of the two munchkins of the post below is 6.
Since Monday she's been asking me if we can have a
sleep over at my house.
I'm her new best friend.

I love my job.

Please Wait For Assistance

So I run to the grocery store.
Since I only needed 4 things,
I decided to brave the self-checkout.
Now, this is big for me.
You see, Dylan usually does that for me,
in fact it's the one way I can get him to
go shopping with me. Well, that, and letting him
pick out some god-awful sugary cereal.
Ahhh, bribery.
So there I am, waiting on the one line
that feeds to all 4 check outs.
I'm also talking to the biker/construction looking
guy behind me who has an enormous stalk
of Brussels sprouts.
Did you know they grew on a big stalk? I didn't.
I never really thought about it.
Anyway.
I'm anxiously waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Ok.
I'm up.
It's my turn.
Here I go.
I push the right button!
I scan my first item!
I'm ready for the condescending automotronic voice
to tell me that I had somehow screwed up and to "wait for assistance",
but the voice tells me to put the item on the belt-
I have been cleared for my next item!
My confidence builds!
I'm about to go forward with my scanning when I hear....
MRS. M!!!!!! MRS. M!!!!!!!!
Wha??
I turn around and standing behind me are two
munchkins from school.
What do I do?
I'm supposed to scan!
I'm on a roll!
"Hi girls."
They are standing there staring at me.
Just staring.
Staring and smiling.
I'm nervously smiling back thinking..
I HAVE TO SCAN!
I start some quick small talk:
me - "How was vacation?"
them - "Good."
still staring.
me "Did you go away."
them -"We went to Mexico."
still staring
me - "Where's Mommy?"
them - "Over there."
Mommy is smart. She's letting someone else
scan her groceries.
Ok, so I can do this.
These munchkins are just stopping by to say hello.
I can chat and scan.
I gave birth.
I can do anything!
So I start looking for the bar code of my next item....
them - "Mrs. M, look at my nails! I got a manicure!"
shit - I have to scan.
me - "Oh, pretty."
ok, found bar code, why is it not reading?
them - "Look! I got one too!"
me - "Ooooh, so pretty."
ok, it scanned.
Please place the item on the belt.
on to next item.
them - "Mrs. M. do you have a manicure?"
me - "Yes, I do."
PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM ON THE BELT
them - "Can we see it?"
me - "Um, sure, here you go."
PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM ON THE BELT
ooh, I'm still holding the item along with the
other two items I have to scan.
them - "Mrs. M? I'm having a birthday party."
PLACE THE GOD DAMN ITEM ON THE BELT!
shit!
ok,now I'm flustered.
I only had to scan 4 items and I couldn't even do that.
Mr. Brussels Sprouts is about to loose his cool.
me - "Ok girls. I have to scan now."
them - "Ok."
they stayed there with me while I proceeded
to scan my two remaining items.
I was being watched.
The pressure was on.
I had to complete this task without the
PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE voice.
Steady.
Breathe.
Scan.
Place the item on the belt.
Ok.
Done.
I did it.
Whew!
I paid, and bagged my items.
I stayed to talk with the girls for a few minutes
at the end of the belt.
They were showing me their henna tattoos.
I asked them if they had joined a gang.
Mr. Brussels Sprouts laughed at that one.
He was no longer POed at me - thank goodness.
I shudder to think about the damage an angry
brussels sprout eating construction worker biker dude could do.

Someone Smack Me In The Head

So I'm in love with my Ugg boots, right?
Well, now I want these:

These are Ugg slippers.
Seriously, my boots are so comfortable
I don't want to take them off.
I am not a slipper person. I wear socks, but these I would live in.
Think I can find a pair?
No.
Nada.
Nuthin'....anywhere!
I called all around, I even searched the web.
NOTHING.
I spent hours in search of $65 slippers.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Heaven

I spent the day walking around in a little bit of heaven.
I love my Uggs.

I have the classic short boots in chocolate.
All I can say is...
WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET A PAIR???
Now I need the slippers because I look pretty funny
wearing these with my pjs.

New Favorite Thing!

So here was the dilemma:
I used to take a ton of pictures.
I had a great little point and shoot digital.
I'd throw it in my bag and go.
Then I got (chorus of angelic voices) a Canon Rebel.
AND I got a big-arse expensive lens.
No more carrying the camera in my bag.
I needed to use the camera bag.
The big, ugly, boxy, camera bag.
Well, guess what.
It's too much to carry AND carry my regular bag.
so NO CAMERA=NO PICTURES
I had this great camera and wasn't taking any pictures!
SOLUTION!
I found these fantastic camera bags on Etsy.
They are made by Tracy Joy..

This style is called Kristine and it's $79.
How cool is that design?? It's so cute!

It has 4 pockets and the middle is open so I can carry my camera, lenses,wallet, phone, date book, whatever
ALL IN ONE BAG!
*Obviously I can't take a pic with my camera in the bag. It would go in the bottom left pocket.

The bag comes with one foam divider, which I wrapped around my expensive lens.
I will probably get another divider which costs $6.

Here is another shot of the inside. Roomy!

Here is the closure.

Now here is the coolest feature: notice the velcro....

You can remove the patterned cover and change it to match your mood, outfit, whatever!
Additional covers cost $22.

Compare beautiful, fun, new bag to old, ugly, bulky bag.

Please note that fabulous new bag lays flat against the body.

Adjustable strap enables you to wear bag over shoulder or across body.
I should have take the pic in the full length mirror.
I love this bag - highly recommend it!

Happy New Year

My resolution is.....
DON'T RUSH.
I am going to drive slower.
I am not going to get crazy trying to get out of the house earlier.
I'm going to take my time doing things.
I practiced a little this past week, it's not too difficult.
We'll see what happens once school starts again.