So I run to the grocery store.
Since I only needed 4 things,
I decided to brave the self-checkout.
Now, this is big for me.
You see, Dylan usually does that for me,
in fact it's the one way I can get him to
go shopping with me. Well, that, and letting him
pick out some god-awful sugary cereal.
Ahhh, bribery.
So there I am, waiting on the one line
that feeds to all 4 check outs.
I'm also talking to the biker/construction looking
guy behind me who has an enormous stalk
of Brussels sprouts.
Did you know they grew on a big stalk? I didn't.
I never really thought about it.
Anyway.
I'm anxiously waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Ok.
I'm up.
It's my turn.
Here I go.
I push the right button!
I scan my first item!
I'm ready for the condescending automotronic voice
to tell me that I had somehow screwed up and to "wait for assistance",
but the voice tells me to put the item on the belt-
I have been cleared for my next item!
My confidence builds!
I'm about to go forward with my scanning when I hear....
MRS. M!!!!!! MRS. M!!!!!!!!
Wha??
I turn around and standing behind me are two
munchkins from school.
What do I do?
I'm supposed to scan!
I'm on a roll!
"Hi girls."
They are standing there staring at me.
Just staring.
Staring and smiling.
I'm nervously smiling back thinking..
I HAVE TO SCAN!
I start some quick small talk:
me - "How was vacation?"
them - "Good."
still staring.
me "Did you go away."
them -"We went to Mexico."
still staring
me - "Where's Mommy?"
them - "Over there."
Mommy is smart. She's letting someone else
scan her groceries.
Ok, so I can do this.
These munchkins are just stopping by to say hello.
I can chat and scan.
I gave birth.
I can do anything!
So I start looking for the bar code of my next item....
them - "Mrs. M, look at my nails! I got a manicure!"
shit - I have to scan.
me - "Oh, pretty."
ok, found bar code, why is it not reading?
them - "Look! I got one too!"
me - "Ooooh, so pretty."
ok, it scanned.
Please place the item on the belt.
on to next item.
them - "Mrs. M. do you have a manicure?"
me - "Yes, I do."
PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM ON THE BELT
them - "Can we see it?"
me - "Um, sure, here you go."
PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM ON THE BELT
ooh, I'm still holding the item along with the
other two items I have to scan.
them - "Mrs. M? I'm having a birthday party."
PLACE THE GOD DAMN ITEM ON THE BELT!
shit!
ok,now I'm flustered.
I only had to scan 4 items and I couldn't even do that.
Mr. Brussels Sprouts is about to loose his cool.
me - "Ok girls. I have to scan now."
them - "Ok."
they stayed there with me while I proceeded
to scan my two remaining items.
I was being watched.
The pressure was on.
I had to complete this task without the
PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE voice.
Steady.
Breathe.
Scan.
Place the item on the belt.
Ok.
Done.
I did it.
Whew!
I paid, and bagged my items.
I stayed to talk with the girls for a few minutes
at the end of the belt.
They were showing me their henna tattoos.
I asked them if they had joined a gang.
Mr. Brussels Sprouts laughed at that one.
He was no longer POed at me - thank goodness.
I shudder to think about the damage an angry
brussels sprout eating construction worker biker dude could do.
9 comments:
Had it been just a regular construction worker biker dude you probably would've been safe. However, the brussel sprouts added another whole dimension to this dude that you probably didn't want to mess with. Luckily you made it out of the grocery store safe and sound. This time!
I loathe the self checkout counters. I usually end up behind someone that requires 20 minutes worth of assistance from the cashiering "helper".
No matter how long the other lines are, it is always shorter to go with a checkout machine manned by a trained person. There's ALWAYS some shmoe who doesn't get the fact that you have to scan the BAR CODES and just passes the same bag of Snackwells over the scanner 50 times.
My kids get bored (b/c I don't let them scan) at the self check out & end up sitting on the bagging weight thingy. Do you know what happens then? That's when this obnoxious automated voice YELLS at me to remove the UNSCANNED items from my bag AND THEN calls the store clerk to make sure I didn't steal anything! Talk about humiliating! So each time we go to the self check out I have to threaten their little butts to stay off the bagging scale! lol
Oh that is the FUNNIEST thing I have read in a long time!!!! I get so nervous doing those stupid things too!!!
curly glamor girlie - that's why I only go to the self ones if there's no one there at all!
Very funny! I mess up quite a bit on those things too. But ICK on the Brussels sprouts - I don't EVER want to think of where those icky things come from!!!!!!!
Kerry...you are so stinkin' funny! These stories are why I fell in love w/ your blog in the first place!!!!
I only brave the self-checkout when no one else is around! But i do love it! Youre so funny!
Ok .. that's it .. I am sending in your application to SNL ... you are so funny girl!!!! I love reading your blog .. you are my daily laugh! That story was so funny ... so glad you didn't get it from the brussel sprout eating biker construction worker!!! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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